I Almost Committed Incest

The love of eating forbidden fruits before the right time is everyone’s disease, even those devoted to scripture unions we all saw in high school. These unions almost landed me into God’s curse. I have no idea how I was going to explain this to the creator and his assistants Jacob, Isaac and the crucifyee, Jesus himself.

Let me get to the bottom of this just to make you understand. In 1935, I went to St Andrews church in southwest of this country, Rakai where I met a group of God’s followers who gathered every Wednesday to share the imported belief and sect by the white man called religion. As a certified Casanova then, I could tell which lady was well endowed by just microscoping through the cultural long dresses.

As we fellowshiped daily, the Holy Spirit in charge of my “womb rider” had identified a one called Monica. It kept stroking up and down in it’s own tongues approving of her as a potential hive to fetch honey. I didn’t waste time but act faster than how long God takes to answer prayers. I approached this young lady and rapped to her in the poem of love. I saw her knees get weaker and weaker every time I spat my lyrics just by the roadside on her way home.

Two weeks later, she consented to my vibe and quickly introduced me to the priest as the future ‘consummator’. He prayed and asked us to invite our parents to be introduced in church the following Sunday. I sent out word to my parents down in Zambia and within days, they had arrived.

Before church, my inquisitive mum asked details about the lady. I invited her for lunch and also respond to questions I didn’t bother finding out as long as I’m the guy to knock

her down. At the end of the conversation, my mum discovered that Monica was actually my cousin.

Due to too much disappointment, Monica decided to join the sisterhood because she missed out on such a handsome man like me. Some time in 70s, as old as we were, she told me she would consider running away with me and ditch the sisterhood clothes if I put aside relationship barriers to soak myself in her. Unfortunately I was already drunk with AS.

Let me sign out now for this Bollywood movie on DSTV.

Yours, Survivor of Sin

Daron

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I Married My *Gossipmate*

I’ve been on a writing holiday because of something big I was preparing behind the curtains. To many, it was a surprise that I walked down the aisle. Others think the pics that were circulating could have been snips from a local movie being acted (I still have my acting skills despite last standing on a stage 16 years ago).

I don’t care how people celebrate the end of 2017 but I’m happy that God put my searching to rest, and in my dear sleep like Adam, He took out my rib and woke me up with Sharon by my side. Yes Sharon is the Lady who accepted to marry this head of mine with its associated behaviors. In fact one pastor called us a poetic couple because of the names Daron & Sharon 😊😊 and a lot we have in common. She is an amazing writer too (check out her blog http://www.Kadaliblog.wordpress.com). We never share our content but we laugh at the stories we put out (Her “letters of My P***y” is my best series).

Now we are “The Bartletts” (I say this with huge smiles as I sip my kitoko). I know we sound so English but that’s the kind of coolness you get especially if you are born a UN citizen. I mean she has mixed races just like myself to form the Union. One thing we do best is gossip (The best gossip is that you have with your soulmate). Nga we have gossiped!!! She sees all the online flirts I have with my fans and she does the responses herself while you think it’s me 😂😂😂 (don’t refuse to reply my inboxes).

Let me tell you the beauty of marrying your friend (by friend I actually mean your real friend). You adventure things you have never imagined. As I write this, she is on kitchen holiday and it’s me doing the burning of all kinds of foods 😂😂. Don’t be deceived, I’m an amazing cook but burnt eggs in the name of trying out sweet bananas in fried eggs (Yes you heard me). Secondly, we do serious things in a joking manner (I recommend you read songs of songs to understand). Let me not feed you too much lugambo but tell you that marriage won’t stop me from writing. In fact I will step up the game.

For now, let me swing my loins back to the bedroom and wait for my partner to see if we can act a Mills and Boon tales.

Yours,

The Bartletts